My mood disorder is now "out" at work. Well, to five people so far but I feel naked on stage.
I broke down in front amid an instructional coach and then another instructional coach. They said I should talk to my vice principal. Well when I met with him he already knew about the breakdown so one of them talked. I feel betrayed and unsafe. I know it was just out of concern but still.
VP said basically nothing they can do. Hubby says we have ADA and FMLA as options if it gets worse. So far I've felt down since Friday. Cried at work every day this week. Maybe not sobbing but still crying in public.
The five that know… I guess the VP is the only one I'm not thrilled with. He's such a schmoozer and didn't seem very genuinely concerned. I like him well enough but not with this. Said he's been through postpartum with his wife but emphasized how little he understood. I just didn't felt very taken care of .
So we are waiting til the two week mark to declare a relapse unless things get serious. So far I've scratched myself a few times but not to bleeding. I feel weary and sad. But I've been doing what needs to be done.
Big trigger was an off-loading of English language learners from a speciality class into my classes. I'm talking elementary level reading and writing. Distressing for me having to come up with completely alternative assignments even though the VP said he just wants them to be immersed but he doesn't care about much else. So I feel bad for them. It's a shit show.
So I'm afraid of the rumor mill. I'm afraid of being seen differently now. I'm afraid of crashing and burning. And I'm also afraid that all this mess will have been for nothing if I get better. In this state I've lost my advocacy and pride. I feel shame again.
But I do have cookie dough chilling in the fridge in case I get an appetite.
