John 13:34-35
34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.
The Come, Follow Me manual:
My love for others is a sign that I am a true disciple of Jesus Christ.
Earlier, Jesus had given a commandment to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:39). Now He gave “a new commandment.” What do you think it means to love others as Jesus loves you? (see John 13:34).
You might also ponder how other people know that you are a disciple of Jesus Christ. How can you make sure that love is your defining characteristic as a Christian?
During some of the Savior's final moments with His disciples, He taught them this principle of love. I find it interesting that this happened after discussion of the betrayal. Judas left and the Savior prompted the other disciples to love as He did. I wonder if He was giving them a test - to see if they could still love Judas after such a great sin. The Savior didn't say that they should love everyone except Judas. Surely He loved Judas just as much as the others.
The Savior's ministry was full of examples of loving the outcasts, sinners, and those others rejected. He remained consistent with that until the end as He asked the Father to forgive those who took His life. Never did He teach that we should give more love to those inside His church than those outside of it. He didn't say that we should limit our friendship to those with the same beliefs or lifestyles as us. Instead, He befriended Samaritans and healed lepers. He taught the importance of humility and surely discouraged any thoughts that His followers were better than others. As He prepared His disciples to go on in the work without Him, He taught them to love.
I've noticed a pattern in my area both from those in my neighborhood and in online groups. Those outside of the Church of Jesus Christ often complain that our members don't have this real love - that we're judgmental, unfriendly, and so on. I agree that it's a choice to be offended, but when a neighbor stops talking to another neighbor because they aren't going to church, that's a problem. Sometimes we have more of an MLM mindset than a Christlike mindset, as if getting others back to church will somehow increase our own blessings (maybe it will, but that's not the point). Those around us know when we have true intentions or when we just have an agenda.
We shouldn't be inviting or reaching out to others for our own benefit - such as wanting to sound good in a ministering interview. It needs to be genuine and it needs to come from a place of friendship. I've learned this the hard way. When I've reached out with my own agenda in mind, the door has been closed. I felt pressure because I was "assigned" to those people. Since then, as I've focused on being a friend and good neighbor, I've built real relationships with my community. I've learned more about the needs, circumstances, and experiences of others than I ever knew before - and it's not limited to the few people I'm "assigned" to.
Loving others as Jesus would naturally leads to conversations about faith. We can share who we are and what we believe without having an agenda. The truth is that even when we're assigned to minister to others, we are not personally responsible for their testimonies. We can love, share, invite, and so on, but we need to respect the individual agency of those around us and love them no matter what they choose to do. We can't personally convert anyone to the gospel. That's the Spirit's job. But we can give them opportunities to feel the Spirit when they are in our homes and to learn about our own converting experiences.
The #1 goal should be for our neighbors, friends, and family members to know they are truly loved. Don't withdraw from them when they choose not to be involved with the Savior's Church. Remain a genuine friend who respects their wishes and still wants to be connected with them. This will bless everyone involved. If they ask you to take a step back with your invitations or express discomfort with gospel discussions, respect their preferences and remain a friend in a way that is beneficial for everyone. Be a consistent friend and example in their lives.
I found a couple great quotes on this while reading "This Boy and His Mother" by Preston Jenkins (a book I highly recommend):
Q: If I have family or friends who are less active, how far do I go in my attempts to bring them back?
Elder Ballard: "Please don’t preach to them. Your family member or friend already knows the Church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need, what we all need, is love and understanding, not judging. Share your positive experiences of living the gospel. The most powerful thing you can do is share your spiritual experiences with family and friends in a non-preachy way. Also, be genuinely interested in their lives—their successes and challenges. Always be warm, gentle, loving and kind."
In reality, the best way to help those we love—the best way to love them—is to continue to put the Savior first. If we cast ourselves adrift from the Lord out of sympathy for loved ones who are suffering or distressed, then we lose the means by which we might have helped them. If, however, we remain firmly rooted in faith in Christ, we are in a position both to receive and to offer divine help. If (or I should say when) the moment comes that a beloved family member wants desperately to turn to the only true and lasting source of help, he or she will know whom to trust as a guide and a companion. In the meantime, with the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide, we can perform a steady ministry to lessen the pain of poor choices and bind up the wounds insofar as we are permitted. Otherwise, we serve neither those we love nor ourselves.
This quote brings up another aspect of love that I feel a need to mention. Again, we shouldn't have an agenda with those we love. But we do need to truly support them, which means not advocating for choices or lifestyles that will damage them (spiritually or physically). We're living in a day where society is obsessed with acceptance. I agree that we should love and accept every person as an individual, but we don't have to embrace all of their choices. It's good to be genuinely interested in their lives, to ask loving questions, and to do our best to understand them. There's a difference between loving individuals (without an agenda) and encouraging them to make choices not consistent with the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can't pick and choose which doctrines of Jesus Christ we believe in and follow. As His disciples, we stand by Him in all things.
I agree with Elder Christofferson that it's vital we stay close to the Savior and encourage others to follow Him, even when it's hard. In a world where so many voices encourage us to do whatever feels right to us, we need voices to remind us that real joy comes from the gospel. That doesn't mean attacking anyone's beliefs or choices. It doesn't mean disrespecting people or pushing them to change. Please don't try to change anyone, talk them out of their choices, or convince them that they are wrong. I'm just saying that when we inevitably have hard conversations with family members, we need to stay true to our own beliefs and the gospel. It won't help for us to be swayed by the world. We can lovingly remain close to the Savior and seek His help in using the right words to encourage others to follow Him. Encourage, not push. Don't preach, just love. Respect the boundaries that people set about how they want to be treated.
No matter what path someone chooses, please refrain from judging them as individuals. There is so much behind the scenes of every choice, lifestyle, and belief that isn't consistent with ours. Many deviations from the covenant path are agonized over and not made lightly. We need to be respectful of where people are and why. This idea that we are "judgmental" comes from being overly pushy and attacking individuals because of their choices. We don't need to do that. Everyone has their own path in this life, and while that path might be uncomfortable to us, it's their choice and might be what they need to go through during their mortal experience. We fought for agency before we came to this world and we can't forget its importance.
The Savior is the answer to every struggle we have in this life. That goes for our loved ones, too. It can seem impossible to be true to oneself and also live inside the bounds He has set. I've been learning more about that as I read books like the one from Preston Jenkins. I'm acknowledging that it's hard and that many things in life don't make sense right away. Sometimes it feels like God is unfair. It's okay to feel those things and many of our loved ones do feel those things. But we can't turn against God in an effort to support those people ... because doing so isn't true support. True support is being that example they know they can turn to when they are ready. Love them, genuinely love them, and stick to your beliefs until they are ready.
I want to end with these great thoughts from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
Does the Spirit of God dwell in your hearts? Are you “rooted and grounded” in the love of God and of your fellowmen? Do you devote sufficient time and creativity to bringing happiness to your marriage and family? Do you give your energies to the sublime goal of comprehending and living “the breadth, and length, and depth, and height” of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ?
...
Brethren, we must put aside our pride, see beyond our vanity, and in humility ask, “Lord, is it I?”
I like this idea that building relationships takes "time and creativity." I also appreciate this reminder that our energies should be focused on the gospel of Jesus Christ. Most importantly, I love this question: Lord, is it I?
As I've heard stories from others of feeling judged and unwelcome at church, I've wondered: Lord, is it I? As I've pondered genuine ministering or having a selfish focus, I've asked: Lord, is it I? And the answer has been yes on multiple occasions. If we're going to love others as Jesus loves them (which He commands us to do), we need to let go of our pride and see the ways we can improve. We can't genuinely love others while looking for the motes in their eyes. I encourage you to read all of that talk by Elder Uchtdorf because it gives more examples of this and how we can love with humility.
We don't want to be known for being judgmental. We want to be known for being friends to all. Let's focus more on being truly Christlike by both loving everyone and standing true to our beliefs. We can find a balance that helps everyone feel accepted, welcome, wanted, and loved while also being encouraged to follow the Savior. It's a work in progress for all of us and that's okay. We're learning. He will help us as we turn to Him and seek His guidance. After all, He knows our struggling loved ones better than we ever will. He is the answer. Seek Him.
Bonnie Gwyn