Here is your February Floozy!
Thursday, February 8, 2024
Friday, November 10, 2023
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
Friday, October 27, 2023
Tuesday, October 24, 2023
Wednesday, August 2, 2023
Up, down, middle
I hope you’re the latter, because sprinters may be fast, but this life is long. It is the ones who can keep going, step by step, mile by mile, day by day, year by year... they finish the race. I hope I’m a long-distance runner.
I try to be. I try to stay busy. I try to keep putting one foot in front of another. Keep my eyes on the road. Don’t get distracted. Don’t lose focus. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose courage. Don’t fail. Believe, believe, believe.
It’s a lot of pressure, and I think that’s why some people falter. They drink or take drugs or have crazy sex. They cheat on their spouses, neglect their children, and waste their lives seeking a thrill to fill the holes in their lives. They think happiness is a destination rather than the journey itself.
It’s learning to take joy in the journey. We have to do that if we’re going to survive and flourish. It’s the secret to happiness, contentment, and fulfillment. For some – like me – finding that joy is easier with God’s help. Others choose another path, but finding that path is essential.
It's how we become fully human.
Tuesday, August 1, 2023
In the sky
Have you ever just taken a few minutes to watch the clouds drift across the sky? Some people see shapes... dragons, animals, horses cars... what they're looking for, I think. But I don't see anything. My imagination doesn't work like that. Instead, the sky fills me up until there's nothing of me left. No thoughts, no worries, no me. Just the clouds and winds and sun.
Starry nights do that to me, too. I can look into the darkness punctuated with pinpricks of lights, and the vastness inside me expands. It's a weird feeling ‒ or it is after I've stopped experiencing it ‒ but when I'm in the moment, it doesn't feel weird. It feels... expectant. Like I'm waiting for something to raise its head and look at me. You'd think that would be frightening, but it's not. It's anticipation. A strange anticipation.I've mentioned this to other people before, but I've never met anyone who felt the same way. I'm sure someone does in this world with millions of people. Maybe in China or maybe just someone I don't know. Maybe in the next house. I'd like to meet them, though. I'd like to find out how they feel. And talk with them about that vast creature out there. Ask them when we look at the sky, what are we expecting? What's coming for us out of that blackness between the stars?
And why aren't we afraid? That might be the most important question of all.
Tuesday, May 9, 2023
Our AI Pal
Excerpt from the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth
Monday, May 8, 2023
Bigfooting around
From the forthcoming Floozy Goes Forth
Friday, April 7, 2023
"The Mystery of Saint Etienne"
"The Mystery of Saint Etienne"
Between reason and faith, we make our way through a hard world with edges sharp enough to wound the unwary. Oh Lord, guide our steps.
Faith is what we hold, a lamp to light our way and to let blind eyes see. Oh Lord, let Your light shine on us.
Between what is and what should be, we are stretched, a cord between two black horses. Oh Lord, send to us Your mercy.
Heaven is our hope in this world without hope. Oh Lord, may we bring hope as You brought hope unto us.
Between the precipice and the fall, we take faltering steps, children lost in the dark woods. Oh Lord, give us a lodestone that points to You.
Here we stand unclean in our souls and dark of hearts. Oh Lord, send to us Your cleansing rain.
Oh Lord, we are fallen but You lift us up.
Oh Lord, we are scattered but You gather us.
Oh Lord, we are unworthy but You take us.
We raise hands to You, a thousand tongues give unto You praise, and the rocks and hills and dales resound with voices that cry,
Hosanna,
Hosanna,
Hosanna.
(Copyright by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)
Thursday, December 15, 2022
A proposition
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late Christmas Eve night when Satan appeared before her.
The Devil told her, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your husband's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."The lawyer pondered this, then finally asked: "So, what's the catch?"
Tuesday, December 13, 2022
Stormy Weather
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied General George, the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded General George. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"
Monday, December 12, 2022
Trouble!
(A Christmas Joke that always gets me in trouble...but I'm tellin' it anyway!)
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
Saturday, December 10, 2022
Can't drive 55
"What?!" Alice looks shocked. "I'm driving?! I thought you were!"
Friday, December 9, 2022
Prepare yourselves
This guy goes into his dentist's office because something is wrong with his mouth.
After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy smokes! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well, the only thing I can think of is this: my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with Hollandaise sauce on it, and it was DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting the sauce on everything—meat, meat, fish, toast, vegetables—you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Thursday, December 8, 2022
Ho-Ho-BANG!
Questions abound: Who killed him and how? Why doesn't the widow care that her husband is dead? Why doesn’t his mistress? What does the mysterious Aventura Corporation have to do with the murder? What is the corporation hiding? Soon events spiral out of control as the killer strikes again and again.
As the three dig for the truth, they upset powerful, vengeful people. The chief might lose his job, but Bernard and Lisa could lose their lives in this suspenseful sequel to Murder by Dewey Decimal.
Saturday, December 3, 2022
Lepidopterology
Friday, December 2, 2022
It's all in the preparation
Thursday, December 1, 2022
"Clothed & Happy"
Have you seen that TV show Naked And Afraid on the Discovery Channel? It’s a (so-called) reality show where they drop two total strangers—a man and a woman—into a harsh wilderness environment with only one item apiece. Neither item is clothing.
You might think this is a recipe for hanky-panky or whatever the kids are calling it these days, but after a day or two with the couple being bitten and stung by hordes of hungry insects, sunburning in places the sun really shouldn’t get to, feeling ravenously hungry and desperately thirsty, having their bare skin slashed by vines and plants, limping on feet bleeding from thorns and bruised by rocks—hanky-panky is the last thing on their minds. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn the show is sponsored by the Clothing Manufacturers of America after seeing what clothes and shoes protect us from.
Of course, the Discovery Channel blurs what needs to be blurred; you’ve seen more skin at the beach or the lake. And since these are not supermodels, the skin you do see isn’t skin you’d necessarily want to see—if you can follow that.
“Experts” give them a Survival Rating at the start and end of the show. By choosing to participate in such an insane and life-threatening situation, it’s obvious the participants have the survival skills of deranged lemmings and the intelligence to match. I suspect their family trees are more like telephone poles.
Read more in Floozy Comes Back.
Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!
Wednesday, November 30, 2022
Louder!
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."Tuesday, November 29, 2022
Truth & Lies
A minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
There was dead silence for about a minute, then the smallest boy sighed and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Friday, November 25, 2022
FORE!
After a bad game of golf, a club member was walking to the parking lot to get his car when a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.
"Well, your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield," the policeman said. "The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and a building burned down. So what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and said, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb."
Monday, November 21, 2022
Have a Laugh!
Humorist Stephen B. Bagley returns with a collection of 80 more wild & wacky tales from his decidedly different life. Includes the fan favorites:
Spice Boy, A Tale of Two Goldfish, Tanning My Hide, Kindle the Barbarian, Much Ado About Carbs, Congress & Other Monstrous Things, Work in Your Underwear, Mr. Manners Speaks, The Terrible Truth About Women, and many more!
Don't miss the shocking Story of the Second Thanksgiving and the Pilgram exposé Pillorying: A Spectator Sport! Give the gift of laughter this Christmas with Floozy Comes Back!
Thursday, November 17, 2022
A Word from Our Sponsor
Saturday, November 12, 2022
Little Things
The Saints of Little Things
(Copyright 2022 by Stephen B. Bagley. All rights reserved.)
Friday, November 11, 2022
He has a plan
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where he could be released.
The head of the institution decided to interview him first. "Tell me," said the head doctor, "if we release you, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The man said, "I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, which will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the patient. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is a considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences."
"An interesting possibility," said the head doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teapot."
Thursday, November 10, 2022
Necessary
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Cynthia Sue was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.
Cynthia Sue responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness—and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
Wednesday, November 9, 2022
Ouch!
Out bicycling one day with her eight-year-old granddaughter, Joyce got a little wistful. "In ten years," Joyce said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
The granddaughter shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
Tuesday, November 8, 2022
Verify
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
It was Eve.
What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.