racism

 I agree with some things you said, but when you start naming the names of the African Americans who have been killed by cops, I have to stop and ask why you don't mention the female cop who was just killed on her first day on the job by an African American who also killed his wife?

My point being that ALL lives matter. My husband is a police officer. He has never had to shoot someone, but there have been times when his life was in extreme danger while doing his job.

I realize that there is racism that occurs. But I don't think that constantly calling out all racial attacks will help. When I moved to the U.S. in 1972, I spoke no English, coming from Germany. I was the victim of many attacks, verbal and physical. I was called a Nazi and much worse. My childhood has given me a unique perspective of divisiveness in this world. I also served as a female soldier in saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War. Talk about being attacked for who you were.

And no, I do not believe that silence is the answer. Silence killed so many million Jews during WW2. What I do believe in is the power of positive recognition. Let's give credit to the ones who are working to make a change. Let's shine the spotlight on heroes, not the bad guys. Why give them another platform?

As for the Oscars, they are show business awards. And yes, I agree that the winners should be judged on performance, and not color or sex. But, what about the BET awards? I love watching them. Caucasians don't win at that awards show, but it's not boycotted.

I believe that Chris Rock was saying, quit making the divisiveness worse. Work together instead of apart.

Betrayal of the deepest kind

Nicole and I were played by Oliver and it's not something we'll ever forget.  All the crap he'd been spewing over the years about his money wasn't true.  He also promised to give mom's part of the retirement back into our account so we could divide it up amongst the grandkids.  He called and called Meredith on the due date and hassled her about picking it up.  So, he took it and Nicole and I had to take our shares and split them further.  That he could lie and deceive us all for so long is unfathomable to me.  Mom is probably rolling in her urn.

Long story short, Oliver is out of the house, which he left in an absolute wreck and we're selling the house as quickly as we can.  Oliver is out of our lives and if I never see him again, I'll be happy.

Chad has bought his house, so that's off our plate.  We split up the retirement money and all paid bills.  We paid off our credit card and Danny paid off his bills as well. 

We've got someone coming tomorrow to look at Oliver's house and then Nicole wants to move on her house.  She and Dewey are buying property and building a house.  And I think Danny and Sheryl are buying Nicole's house.

The pandemic has gotten worse and I've basically been on lockdown for six weeks.  I do all my shopping on pick up and have cancelled Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's hard to be here every day, non stop and not give in to the depression.

Got to go Thursday for another mammogram - mine came back with something wrong.  Mom W is having her mastectomy on the 18th and we hope that it goes well.

Sheryl caught Covid and had to quarantine for two weeks.  Luckily, her symptoms were mild compared to what we've seen, but it was still a challenge, especially being pregnant.  I'm looking forward to meeting my new grandson in January.  I still can't believe that he's due on Mom's Birthday.  I wish I could go there to meet him, but travel is too dangerous right now.  Hopefully, by April I can go visit.  And I miss my Katie bug.  Every time I see her she seems more grown up. I know this move was our choice and I don't regret it, but I sure miss them.

The New Normal

 It's October 2020 and life as we know it has changed.  I went back to TN in early May, after a phone call from Oliver.  That phone call changed my life.  Mom was in the hospital because of her weakness.  When I got there on Sunday night, we had a family conference and all agreed that it was time for mom to go into hospice.  Treatment had been stopped and there was nothing else to do.

I went to the hospital Monday morning and mom was not happy to see me.  They explained to her that treatment was over and it was time for her to enter hospice.  She signed the MPOA and we drove home.  The hospice care manager showed up a little later.  We got mom a hospital bed, and oxygen.  She couldn't breathe without it.  Later that afternoon, she couldn't get off the toilet again.  Got her back in bed with her oxygen and it was a restless night.  Tuesday morning, she was getting weaker and weaker.  Everyone came over, like they knew it was the last time.  She went back to bed after lunch and never got up again.  By that evening, she was incoherent.   The hospice manager came over and put in a catheter since mom couldn't get out of bed anymore.  Dr. Gaddis came by.

Wednesday was worse.  Danny and Sheryl brought Kate over to say goodbye.  Connor refused to go into the room.  Danny arranged for a priest to perform last rites.  That afternoon after everyone left, she became very agitated and tried to get out of bed.  I tried to stop her and she fought me with everything she had.  It was awful.  She laid in bed in a nasty tank top and no underwear.  I had to call Danny to come and help me.  He was there in 10 minutes.  That evening, everyone gathered  because we knew the end was coming.  I was trying to keep her comfortable with morphine and other drugs.  I had quit giving her the diabetes shots.

We traded shifts on Wednesday night, knowing the end would be soon.  We all agreed to up her morphine because she was so agitated, and we thought, in pain.  We took turns all night, ensuring she was never alone.

By Thursday morning, her kidneys had shut down, her breathing had slowed and everyone said goodbye.  About 10 am, Nicole and I were the last ones in the room with her.  By that time, she was so pale and barely breathing.  Nicole left the room to call Dewey.  I sat, with my arms around her, telling her I loved her and to tell Oma hello.  I told her it was ok to let go.    After a few minutes, I realized that she had quit breathing.

I went out to tell Nicole and Danny.  We called Oliver and Dave and hospice.  We made other calls that had to be made, while Danny sat with her.  The hospice nurse came in and Danny helped her get mom cleaned up for the funeral home to pick her up.  Smith Funeral Home picked her up while we tried to figure out how to go on.

Friday we went to Smith's and set everything up for her cremation and we had a chance to say goodbye.  Nicole and I had her dressed in her favorite mauve outfit that she always wore for special occasions.  Danny had arranged for her remains to be interred at the church.  

Saturday we had a wake where she was interred.  It's funny, I couldn't cry until I saw Doc.  Then I fell into pieces.   I read the poem I found in the card I gave her.  After it was over, we went back to the house.  We had called Paneras to cater food, thank goodness.  Everyone was there...Ruth and Don,  Gwen and Neal, Dwight. It was a nightmarish day.

The next week was spent with lawyers, and others and trying to get things ready for me to go back home.  I couldn't sleep at all.  Walking by her room was tough.  I was plagued with nightmares and couldn't close my eyes anymore.  I ended up having to get nightlights just to be able to close my eyes.  During the days, I helped Nicole clear out decades of junk.  We finally managed to clean out her room and donate her clothes.  We went through her jewelry and divided it up between me and her.  There were a few things I wanted to bring home with me and I did.

Finally, the following Thursday, I drove home.

I've been plagued with so many feelings that I can't begin to count.  Guilt, anger, grief, you name it.  We've had to deal with her choices and her propensity to take shortcuts.  Nicole has had to take out a loan to fix the roof.  She's had to buy a new a/c unit.  We've had to force Chad to move on buying the house and we learned that because she didn't feel like filling out a beneficiary form on her retirement, it was not part of her estate.  The money was to be divided between us three kids.

Oliver has been a major pain to deal with and we finally had to send him an eviction letter.  It's been back and forth with him.  He's also had another heart attack and I think we finally reached an understanding.  We'll see.

My therapist, Dr. Brisky, suggested I get back to writing to help heal.  I don't know what's so healing yet.

Mom

It's been a few weeks now since Mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.  Our initial fear of her death has changed to guarded optimism.  Although she has always said that she didn't think she would live much longer, when the truth slapped her in the face, she decided that she wanted to live.

Danny has shown his true colors in the last few weeks.  He's been there for every step with her, taking her to her appointments, feeding her and just spending time with her.  I think she grew to rely on it and now that he's not around as much, she misses him.

Dave has had a hard time dealing with this.  He and Danny had a falling out about my mom.  He thinks that we pressured her into treatment for our own selfish reasons, which is not true.  But, then again, he's fighting his own demons since he threw his meds down the toilet at Christmas.  The fights we've had since then have been the worst ever.  And of course our ER trip last week wasn't fun either.

It's like he knows that I'm preoccupied, getting ready to go back to TN and take care of my mom, so he has to act out, like a child.  He can't stand my attention being on anyone but him.  The last few weeks, I've wondered if I was going to survive the crap he's putting me through.  I'm almost looking forward to going back to take care of mom, just to get a break from him.

I fly out on the 21st to Gainesville, FL to testify at the Justin Lewis trial.  Hope to get to see Charlene while I'm there.

Mom had her first radiation treatment yesterday morning.  They ended up doing a biopsy on three spots on her skull above her ear.  It hurt her like crazy.  I hate that she's going through all this pain and suffering.  And I hope it's not for nothing.   

Taking Stock - Month 4

ENJOYING  my morning coffee

MAKING plans for our winter purge

COOKING twice baked potatoes for dinner

DRINKING my morning coffee

READING a lot

WANTING the weather to improve

LOOKING at our home for the next two months

PLAYING silence

BUYING a new braising pan

WISHING the gnats would disappear

FOLLOWING the national news

WAITING for my coffee to kick in

LIKING this new campground

WONDERING if the weather will ever cool off

LOVING my life

CONSIDERING how to spend my day

WATCHING all the new fall shows!

HOPING my Sage feels better

SMELLING the moisture in the air

WEARING my PJs

NEEDING to not over do

HEARING silence outside.  

THINKING that I love silence in the morning

NOTICING that it's much more humid here than anywhere we've been this summer.

Taking Stock - Month 3

ENJOYING our stay in the Custer area of South Dakota

MAKING time to relax

COOKING Shepherd's Pie for dinner

DRINKING my usual Green tea with raspberry

READING a lot of fiction - mostly mystery

WANTING the time to move more slowly. 

LOOKING at my emails and realizing I'm far behind

PLAYING 70s oldies to relax to

BUYING groceries at the DakotaMart in Custer.  The nearest Wal-Mart is over an hour away!

WISHING the weather would stay just as it is.  70s in the day, 50s at night.

FOLLOWING the smell of dinner finished

WAITING to get better wifi so that I can upload all my hundreds of pictures from here onto our website.

LIKING my tent camping stay this week, even though I ended up sleeping at home.

WONDERING if all the noisy Labor Day weekenders have gone home.

LOVING my husband just for being himself

CONSIDERING some re-organizing - sometime in the future

WATCHING Frasier re-runs.  Not for me, but for hubby who loves it

HOPING the rest of this week moves a little slower so we can enjoy the rest of our stay

SMELLING dogs that need a bath! 

WEARING gray capri leggings and a sleeveless top I got on clearance at Wal-Mart for $7

NEEDING to get a package mailed off to our granddaughter

HEARING silence outside.  Hahhhhhh

THINKING life is great and I love living it on my terms

NOTICING that night falls about two hours earlier than it did when we started this summer in Michigan

KNOWING our Anniversary is coming up

Taking Stock - Month 2

ENJOYING our stay in Upper Minnesota at Voyageurs National Park.  Cut off from cell service, wifi (mostly)  

MAKING the most of lack of civilization with other things besides electronics.

COOKING, Turkey stuffed Peppers.  I've never made them, so we'll see.

DRINKING my usual Crystal Light.  I really should give it up.

READING the Whiskey Bayou  - Addison Holmes series by Liliana Hart.  A little off beat, but funny and great light reading.

WANTING to lose my stomach!  Now that the girls are smaller, my stomach really pooches out and I've become self conscious of it.

LOOKING forward to heading out to the Dakotas soon.

PLAYING catch-up with blog posts and recipe organization.

BUYING a new small camera for me that's light and easy to handle, but still gives me my sharp images.  Went with a small Canon Elph 360.  Love it!

WISHING I could catch fish!

FOLLOWING some of our favorite series like Salvation, Elementary and trying some new ones.

WAITING for the laundry to get done.  I really hate laundry.

LIKING my new iPad.  The bigger size really makes a difference.

WONDERING when it's going to rain.  Been overcast since yesterday.

LOVING that hubby has lost five pounds already since our healthy eating change.  I want him to stick around for a long time.

CONSIDERING our plans for next summer.

WATCHING the fishing boats go in and out on the River and dreaming what it would be like on one of those big houseboats.

HOPING that the forest fires in California get under control.  My heart breaks for those residents.

SMELLING the pines in all the forests around us.

WEARING my nightgown.  At 5:30 pm.  I just can't feel shame.

NEEDING to get up and move more!

HEARING the sounds of the convection oven beeping done.  I hope these peppers taste  good.

THINKING we're busier in the middle of nowhere than in the middle of a city.

NOTICING my floor really needs vacuuming.

KNOWING our Simple Life is the best life!